I would say it’s been one of those days but that’s not strictly accurate, technically its been two days. Though it feels like a lot longer. Time seems to be moving very slowly right now. It sure doesn’t feel like only two days have passed since Monday. I knew it was too good to be true, no way was that going to last. From high to low and back again. I spent most of Tuesday asleep and part of Wednesday went the same way, not because I was tired exactly. More because there was all this time to fill and I didn’t know what to do with it. Everything just feels like such an effort and getting out of bed felt no different, it was easier to just do nothing. I get the feeling hiding from everything is the best option. Monday felt like a good day but it’s like I’m paying the price for it now. Or maybe I just feel that way because of all the changes. Now I definitely feel like the universe is working against me. Last minute changes are never any good but especially not when they’re as big as this. I have no clue what’s going on and neither does anyone else. The only thing I know for sure is there’s going to be many more sleepless nights because of this. Not that it really matters, I’m sure that would happen anyway. Routine can be comforting and at the moment it’s one of the few sources of security I have. Yet at the same time it can feel relentless. Knowing you have to get up day after day and do all of this again. Sometimes it’s more suffocating than comforting. Late at night is the only time I feel anything approaching fine and even then it’s just an illusion. I think I only feel that way because it’s late, there’s no-one around, there’s no pressure on me and I don’t have to pretend for anyone or anything. The minute I’m reminded of reality everything comes crashing down and it all falls apart. Left in my own little world then I’m fine, but you can’t do that forever.
I used to think days like this are just one day, you can get through them because you know it comes to an end, that not all days are like this. But when they all feel this way or when there’s more bad days than good ones, then I don’t know what to tell myself. Why would you want to keep waking up when this is all you have to look forward to? Sure there are good things but not enough of them. And one day won’t they run out? Or maybe they won’t be enough. The books I’m reading probably aren’t helping, they’re full of deaths, suicides and people going missing. Perhaps not the best thing to be reading with the mood I’m in. But reading happy stuff (not that I own anything like that) would just make me feel worse. So I find myself right back where I started. I don’t know what I’m doing or why. And I have no idea what to do with the rest of the day. It feels wrong to go back to bed, again. Yet none of the other options seem particularly appealing either. All I’ve done is gotten up and had breakfast and I feel like I’m done already. If I make myself stay awake a few hours from now I’ll feel somewhat invincible and I’ll want to do everything, I might even actually write something. And as always the crash will follow it. I don’t know what the right thing to do is, or if there’s even a right thing. I guess you just have to keep on bumbling through it, knowing why isn’t so important as just keeping at it is. I know from getting out of the habit with writing that you take a break and it proves very difficult to get back into the habit.
And on the subject of habits, the calendars. From the Freiburg calendar is defender Georg Niedermeier and he’s joined by Freiburg’s top scorer Maximilian Philipp. I have no pictures of the former and it’s not because there are none, I just don’t like him. They signed him on a free transfer from VfB Stuttgart, and it’s not just where he came from which bothers me. It’s the fact he was part of a Stuttgart defence which conceded 75 goals. But they signed him so they must see something in him doesn’t mean I have to like him though. On the other hand I have plenty of pictures of Max, you never get enough good pictures of him. I can’t wait till he’s healthy again and I can add some more pictures to my collection, and more importantly he can add some more goals to his. And from the Dortmund calendar is midfield maestro Shinji Kagawa who despite his bit part status so far this season I hope stays at Dortmund. Joining him is Turkish winger Emre Mor who scored his first goal for Dortmund in his first league apperance against Darmstadt, scoring the final goal in a 6-0 thrashing: