Category Archives: The Daily Prompt

It’s not a problem if you don’t look up

I know the title may be a little unwieldy but it’s the only one I liked,  it’s not the only one I could come up with but the others didn’t seem to fit right now. Writing this post (or anything else for that matter) is difficult enough without obsessing over titles, so I didn’t spend a lot of time on it. The line in question comes from the latest Star Wars film and is Jyn’s response when she’s asked if seeing the Imperial flag flying above makes her sad. I also went with it because it’s a fair reflection of how I feel at the moment. Which is why I’ve been avoiding writing anything, doing so requires a certain amount of self-reflection and these past few days the last thing I’ve wanted to do is contemplating my own existence in any way. Actually I’m no more keen to do that now but I did promise the psychiatrist I would at least try to write something. I find his insistence on that front a little odd when I think about it. Not least because they spent the majority of the appointment telling me that being normal wasn’t something to aim for, that there’s no such thing as normal anyway and I should just do what makes me happy and forget about everything else. Well thinking about my existence in any way certainly doesn’t make me happy. In fact right now it’s one of the things which is making me unhappy and resulted in the visit to them in the first place.

A week later I can’t make any more sense of it, I am however despite feeling like some of their advice was conflicting – sure it was the right thing to do. For one thing without it I wouldn’t have gotten my sleeping pattern back in order. All those months of trying to fix it by myself and it was for nothing, the problem was solved by the prescription of sleeping tablets. I’m feeling no more optimistic about anything else but I am at least grateful for finally having gotten a uninterrupted night of sleep. And they did help in the way he promised, he said if I got some proper sleep then my thoughts of death would not be so troublesome. They are still there but they are no longer quite so loud. I suppose right now it’s the best I can hope for. Though I’m not sure I want them to disppear completely. In a strange sort of way I think I find them comforting, I mean knowing that there is an out if I want it and can find the courage.

As far as everything else goes I have no idea, it all seems so overwhelming at the moment. I’m not so naive to think that I can once again start over with a clean slate either. I’ve said that so many times before and it never works out. There is no fresh start to make, just the same chaos I always find myself wandering through. I have no big plans or really any kind of plans at all, I’m not really capable of forming anything like a plan either. Despite having gotten a decent amount of sleep over the course of the past few days I’m too tired to contemplate anything other than what I’m doing right now. Even thinking a day ahead is too much. Lack of sleep is clearly not my only problem, now that’s been solved the other issues are brought to the fore – not least my lack of motivation to do just about anything. It would be so much easier to run away from it all, which brings me back to Rogue One.  It’s not so much pretending the imperial forces don’t exist and aren’t doing bad things, you just don’t acknowledge it. Of course that all depends on not paying attention, on stopping yourself from looking up. And in this case it’s not easy to do that. I can’t realistically avoid the outside world and all that makes me unhappy forever. At some point I’m going to have to learn to take care of myself and how to exist in the real world. There’s not always going to another person there who is able and willing to act as interlocutor of sorts between me and the outside world.

I suppose in a way it’s easy for them to sit there and tell me to just do what makes me happy and don’t worry about comparing myself to my peers and my lack of independent living skills in comparison to them. For the simple reason they don’t have to deal with all this, they won’t have to deal with the fallout if something goes majorly wrong. No-one is responsible in that sense because I don’t fall into any of the neatly drawn categories. Not disabled enough to qualify for any government provided services in that regard but too disabled not to need any help like that. All the relevant professionals agree it’s not right and unfair, but none of them care to do anything about it. No-one cares enough to actually speak up about it. Why would they, after all it’s not their problem. I’m not really sure what my point is, I’m just frustrated with it all. And very tempted to just give up, to let them get away with it. The only thing stopping me is the fact I know it’s not right and I can’t let them get away with it.

Retreating back into my own little world and completely giving up would in the short term be better for me, but it’s not the right thing to do. Both for myself in the long term and morally speaking. What else would I let them get away with if I give up on this? Where does it end? I can at least fght back in some way and for that reason alone I should do this. I may not be able to do much but there may be someone else they screw over who can’t fight back at all. Sometimes you have to think of other people too. I am too tired and beaten down to do anything else but this I won’t give up on. Whatever happens afterwards I’m not letting this go.

Yet Another Change

I know there are bigger problems in the world, indeed I have far bigger issues to be concerning myself with now. Yet despite their real life importance it’s not any of them which are dominating my thoughts and ruining my week right now. Sixteen days into the year and I’m trying and so far failing to settle down into something resembling a schedule. Today was meant to be yet another reboot of my routine. The day where I get a good night’s sleep and where nothing goes wrong. That was ruined the second I put on the news where I was promptly greeted by the news Hansi quit. It’s certainly not the best start to the week. I never want anything to change but especially not now, and Hansi is the very last thing I expected to be the cause of any kind of change. I spent so much time worrying what would happen if I got bored in some way or suddenly got sick of the whole thing I completely forgot to think about what would happen if one of them caused everything to change.

Making the whole thing worse is storywise it actually works out quite well. Almost straight away I worked out how to work it in, from that perspective the story practically writes itself. I know conflict of some kind is necessary to propel the narrative but this isn’t quite what I had in mind. I was perfectly happy with the conflict I was creating by myself. I’m mad at him for making everything change but I’m even more mad at myself. The reason being it’s like in having those ideas I’m somehow accepting it. I just don’t know what to do now. I can’t escape into my stories because Hansi is there. And I can’t deal with real life now because he’s there too. Maybe it’s time for some new characters anda new pairing. As long as I don’t do something really stupid and decide to get a whole new obsession just because one piece of the puzzle changed. When the stories don’t make sense and real life doesn’t either then I really don’t know what to do. Well I do know, I just can’t do it. I can’t get a new obsession, not least because I have nothing new to jump ship to.

I’ve been meaning to get back into the habit of posting regularly for several days and in the process finding several excuses not to. This is the last thing I wanted to be the reason for writing something. At the same time this feels like the most important thing in the world I’m angry at myself for being so bothered by it. After all as other people would and do say it’s just football. And there are so many other things which should be preoccupying me. But with or without this unexpected change I don’t want to think about any of those. Because at the moment I have very little control of them. All I can do is wait and the waiting is killing me. At least with the stories I have some sense of control. If I don’t like some real life event then I can simply ignore it, or at least write it the way I want to.

Real life is always hard work and it’s even more true now than usual. Holidays are always difficult and Christmas especially so,  partly because of the winter break meaning not only do I have to get back into my own routine but I have to do that without any football for three weeks. Putting my routine back together is impossible when a big part of said routine is missing. Funny thing is a few weeks ago I had to explain a lot of this stuff to someone and ever since then I’ve been obsessing over it and beating myself up about everything I said and did.  I can never quite decide if my answers made me look more helpless than I really am or if I’d been less than truthful and I’d once again inadvertently given an optimistically misleading picture of my abilities. Thinking about such matters never ends well. It always goes the same way, ending up with me wondering just what kind of grown-up I am. And the answer is no kind, I’m a grown up in name only.

People try to help and reassure you, saying helpful things like people develop at their own pace and it’s marathon not a race. It doesn’t really help but it’s not their fault, they probably don’t know what to say anymore. I don’t know what to say either. Their well meaning words are every bit as unhelpful as being told I should just do what makes me happy. The only thing that makes me really happy right now is stickers. That is the only thing I can get excited about right now and is the only thing I have any real plans for. I couldn’t really argue if anyone accused me of caring about or loving my collections more than I do the people in my life. The collections are nothing like any relationships with humans that’s why. They are simple and uncomplicated, they just are. They make me happy and that’s all I need to know. They also have the side effect of making most people think I’m a total weirdo or some other such unflattering name but it doesn’t really matter anymore. When it comes to people it’s the exact same problem as it is with collections, can’t live with them, can’t live without them. On the subject of collections the following picture may prove to be the last addition in my Hansi collection. For how long only he knows. I’m not gettig my dream I know that much, he’s not ever going to be Jogi’s assistant again, I’ve long given up on that dream even in fiction form:

hansi-flick-sky-sports-news-16-01-17

Retrieving the Irretrievable

I’ve had this post(or a variation of it) in my head for a few weeks but each time I sat down to write it I couldn’t do it. And the other times I didn’t even get that far, I let myself start thinking about it and all of a sudden any enthusiasm I had completely disappeared. It felt like such hard work and so pointless, so I did nothing. Which is pretty much what I’ve spent the past six weeks doing, absolutely nothing. I could say I never meant this to happen but then I never do. I don’t know where it started exactly or why. I don’t really remember any of it. When you sleep that much and you don’t keep a regular schedule the days just sort of blur together, until soon enough there may as well not be such a thing as days of the week. It’s all the same. You don’t care what day it is. The only thing you care about is being left alone and not being around anyone else. With that in mind I haven’t seen a lot of daylight these past few weeks, not actually in the week anyway. Only at the weekends have I been reliably up and awake in the daytime, and only then because I could never forgive myself if I missed a game. I may not have liked myself very much during these past few weeks or seen the point in being awake or really living at all but I can’t do that. If there’s one thing I can’t do it’s that. Screw that up and my self loathing will be taken to a whole new level. I may let myself down and disappoint the people around me in real life but I’m not missing a game.

If I’ve counted right last week’s game was the 75th I’ve seen in a row of Freiburg’s and the 78th in total, not counting friendlies and old games I’ve seen repeats of. It would be a shame to ruin that just because I don’t want to get out of bed and face the world. I don’t have to face the outside world or deal with other people, but I do have to see them play come this Saturday. There are four games left between now and Christmas, a trip to Leverkusen, home to Darmstadt, away at Schalke and finally away to Ingolstadt. I should be unhappy they’re not finishing the year at home but I’m not, even though it’s not a Sunday they’re playing on I’m still glad in a sense they’re away. It’s nothing like that Christmas, they aren’t even close to being in danger of spending the holiday break in the bottom two. Doesn’t mean I can forget it though. Of course that’s partly my own fault, writing that stupid story about Jogi and Christmas hats.

As I mentioned above the previous times I tried to write this post or any post at all it didn’t go so well. I didn’t even get as far as typing the title in fact which is stupid because that’s the one thing I did know. I knew more or less what I wanted to write about too, it’s just the words wouldn’t come out. So I don’t think it was writer’s block, not really. It’s been similar with my stories too. It’s not a lack of ideas, it’s actually putting the words down on paper. Of course with them I have a slightly different problem in the sense I have plenty of notes yet little actual story to show for it. It seems that’s all I’ve been able to do, make notes and come up with potential ideas but not actually use any of them. That part of the process has been a lot slower than I’d like.

I know I shouldn’t beat myself up about that but I still do. Just like I do with everything else. It’s the so-called Enke problem, in the morning you don’t feel like you can do anything and so don’t try to do anything, then in the evening you beat yourself up for not having achieved anything. Despite how the past few weeks have gone that’s not what the title refers to. True I can’t get any of that wasted time back but I’ve lost something far more precious than time. There’s plenty of more time but there won’t be another one of this story. I still don’t understand how it happened, how I could be so careless. I’ve looked absolutely everywhere for it, at least in the virtual sense. I’ve checked each of my laptops, the desktop PC, all four of my external hard-drives and all the USB pen-drives I could find. Which leaves me with only one conclusion to come to. Either it’s gone forever and I really don’t have a back-up, or I’ve lost the USB drive in question. Two weeks later and I’ve stopped looking for it. I’ve not stopped thinking about it but I’ve stopped actively searching. The main reason being I’ve started thinking maybe I’m not meant to find it.

The story in question is partly centered around Klinsi because the majority of it took place during the international break in mid summer 2015, when Germany played the USA. And now of course Klinsi isn’t in charge of the USA team anymore, hence why I think it’s kind of fitting in a way that I’ve lost it. Yet at the same time it makes me want to find it more, as if it’s all that’s left of those memories. There is one place I haven’t looked yet, I haven’t checked my notebooks to see how much if any of it I hand-wrote. I’m not sure I even want to look. Maybe it’s better not to know. I remember my favourite moment from the story, maybe I should just leave it at that. I have to say it does feel strange, to remember a moment which didn’t even actually happen to begin with. Not just remember it but actually picture it. To actually see in my head Jogi wearing that blue shirt and Hansi helping him out of it, but for innocent reasons for once. Just so he could put on a white shirt because the blue one made him sad. As Jogi put it “You were there, he was there, but it didn’t rain.”

I could probably rewrite large parts of it from memory alone, though with how much else I’ve got to catch up on adding something else to the list probably isn’t wise. Perhaps the past is best left alone. On the subject of writing I am glad at least that I finally wrote this post. Whether it makes sense or not I needed to write it. I need to get back into some kind of routine and writing forms an important part of that. I need to get outside of my own head and the timing could not be better. I had no real plans for the rest of this year but one thing I just assumed I would be doing is the advent calendar posts. Though disappointingly there’s only two calendars this year, a Freiburg and Dortmund one, no DFB one. I don’t know if I can stick to a post a day but I plan on trying at least.

Even though I’m annoyed with having taken so long to post something in retrospect I’m glad. It’s better to have waited for all the craziness to have passed and eventually faded away. I think had I written something last Friday in particular then the end result would be a lot angrier and messier than I’d be happy with. And that would have been true even before that disastrous defeat to RBL, I was in a bad mood even before the game. It’s nothing new, just the same old troublesome problems, finding it difficult to deal with change, trouble with understanding other people and their motivations and of course the ever present thoughts of death. It’s just they were a little bit more troublesome than usual. What made it all the more disturbing is I actually planned on writing about it, not like this but in a fictional sense. I had this image in my head of one my characters hanging themselves and being found by their father. It was something that came to me in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep, seemingly out of nowhere. Usually when a story starts from a moment like that I think it’s a great thing, I love it when something begins that way, it’s usually the very best stories which start with just a little moment or a fragment of one. But not this time, this was just disturbing. As strange as it sounds I’m more upset by the thought I wanted to hurt Matze than I am at having similar thoughts about myself. I don’t know quite what to make of that, the idea I care more about him than myself. I mean he doesn’t even exist, I really don’t know what to think.

Artificial

I’ve written so little lately that it took me forever to figure out how to get started, and in all honesty I didn’t figure it out. I just figured that I probably didn’t know how to get started before and that the more time I spend putting it off the worse it’ll get. Besides I think a coherent post would be most unlike me, I’d be pretending to be something I’m not. I’m more than familiar with the concept of doing so, usually pretending to be fine when I’m far from it. Not that I’ve been doing a lot of that lately. There’s been no need to. With the way I’ve stepped back from the real world and the people in it there’s no longer many people I need to lie to. It wasn’t something I planned or meant to happen,  it just worked out that way. I’m not even sure how or why it happened. But somehow I found myself withdrawing from reality even more than usual, eventually ending up in the situation I find myself in now.

Left to my own devices I’ve become the obsessive, routine driven and ritualistic creature of habit I really am. Without anyone around to put on a show for I’ve stopped doing that completely, I’ve stopped making any effort at anything. Which makes me ask the question is this really what I am? If I have to make myself go out and be around other people is there really any point in it? Having spent so much time alone these past few weeks everything has taken on a rather strange feeling, one I can’t quite explain. Whatever you call it it’s left me wondering what’s real and what isn’t. It’s the reason I’m writing something for this prompt after having ignored it for several weeks. Artificial is most likely the word I was looking for, or something close to it anyway. Everything has had a sort of unreal feel to it. Which I suppose isn’t surprising when one considers I’ve had little contact with the outside world and that most of my interaction with it and other people has been screen based. It makes me wonder at times like now if I stayed inside long enough could I forget the outside world exists? Because I don’t think about it that much. And I can get everything I need without ever stepping foot outside. But do I want that? Is that a life worth living? Because most other people don’t seem to think so. But then most of them probably don’t think my life has any value anyway.

It’s confusing, people say you need to go out and have a life, you need to be part of the world. Yet at the same time people say do what makes you happy, do what’s best for you. How can I do that when they conflict with each other? I’m unhappy being in the real world and around other people and aren’t any happier when I’m alone, but at least I’m less stressed out that way. It must sound like I’m feeling rather sorry for myself right now but that’s the thing, I’m not. Despite everything feeling rather strange I don’t feel particularly unhappy, not that I know of anyway. At least I wasn’t until I got the letter I’ve spent the last several months obsessing over and dreading the arrival of. The letter which begins the process that means I once again have to show what a pathetic excuse of a human being I am. Because destroying what little self esteem I have by making me pick over every last little thing I can’t do or need help with just wasn’t enough the first time. They feel the need to check again, just in case I’ve somehow found  a way to cure autism and haven’t let them know about it.

I will honestly admit that letter has got me feeling a little sorry foy myself, the forms which accompanied it even more so. And the things I’ve read online haven’t helped. All I wanted was some advice about how to understand the forms, in my quest for that I did find some helpful stuff and along with it comments which make me feel like I don’t even have the right to exist. Because what people mean when they say “why are there so many disabled people today anyway” is really “why do we still let people like you be born.” And I know not everyone thinks like that, most people are tolerant and don’t hold such prejudices. But you know what I don’t believe that anymore. I think a lot more people think that way, they just know not to say it out loud. Also I’m bothered by the notion that people need to be tolerant. As if that’s all disabled people are, something to be tolerated. Well one thing is for sure people aren’t as tolerant as they claim to be, their actions don’t match up with their words. They’re tolerant until it affects them or their kids in some way. As I’ve recently found out there are people who have no qualms at all in admitting they don’t want their kids sitting next to in their words “a special needs one” and that they’d rather them not be in the class at all. People are happy to admit they don’t want to live near disabled people, and now it seems to be acceptable to question our right to exist at all.

I question if my existence has any value all the time, in fact I spend far too much time thinking about such things and death. But having someone else do it is something else. Knowing other people think I’m of no value to anyone hurts in a way my own thoughts don’t.

I wish I could have written about something else, I had other ideas for this post but in truth they are only a little less depressing than what I actually wrote. And I really did need to write this. I can’t tell anyone in real life how I feel, I just can’t put it into words, let alone actually getting the words out. Though I guess I’ve written about part of it anyway, just without the android part. That’s what my first thought was, android caregivers. Now it’s a dream but one day it’ll hopefully be a reality. I could do with an android right now. They would just help and not look at you at you accusingly, asking do you really need help with this. No judgement, no making you feel pathetic, just the help you need. I’m not being difficult and they wouldn’t even ask if I was. They wouldn’t question why I need someone to make the phone call for me, or ask why it is that I can write what I need to say but not actually say it out loud myself. I already feel small enough, I don’t need someone to make that worse. Sometimes people think they’re helping when they push you to try something, but they’re not, they’re just setting you up to fail.

And none of that was my point at all, which is predictable, tangent central. My point was about androids and the fact I’d really like one right now. It’s absurd really, I’ve spent the past month or so isolating myself and now I’m complaining of feeling lonely. Which is my own fault, sort of. But not really. Because it’s not that simple, I didn’t step away because I don’t want to be around anyone else. It’s that I don’t feel like I can. Normally stories help but right now all they do is make me feel even more lonely. Writing about someone else being happy and in love is not helping. Which may have something to do with the fact I wrote an alternate universe in which Jogi and Hansi sort of break up, to  be more precise Jogi walks out on him.  I don’t know where the idea came from exactly. It was just one of those late night thoughts I couldn’t let go, and I couldn’t sleep either so I just went with it.

The end result was upsetting the one person in real life who I let read most of what I write. They’re devastated by the thought of no more Jogi and Hansi, I think maybe they’re a little over invested but they tend to get that way with romantic type stories. Evidently they don’t understand the concept of an alternate universe. It was just an experiement, nothing more. Maybe it was a way of testing how it would feel when this obsession comes to and end. Though I hope that doesn’t happen any time soon, not the football part of it anyway. It’s just about the only thing which makes me feel happy at the moment. And just so this doesn’t end on a negative note yesterday’s game certainly gave me something to be happy about. A 2-1 win over Augsburg, a goal each for Maximilian Philipp and Nils Petersen. It means Freiburg are sitting in eigth place in the table, four wins and four losses, and still undefeated at home – Fortress Freiburg. It’s a signifcant improvement on their form in their last season in the Bundesliga, in 2014 at this stage they had drawn five and lost three. They were in 17th place with five points and without a win until they beat Köln on MD10, which funnily enough came off the back of a 2-0 defeat to Augsburg. Obviously it’s far too early to be talking about staying up but it’s looking good, that much I can allow myself to think.

Thinking about the win yesterday also makes me realise something else, no matter how terrible real life is and how strange or unreal it feels this always feels right. I may not be feeling connected to other people or reality in general, I may not even know how I really feel in fact. But this makes sense, this I can be happy about with no strings attached. It’s the one place I don’t feel helpless or pathetic. None of that matters when it comes to Freiburg. Watching them I’m just another fan very happy with the three points and at being back in the Bundesliga. Thankfully there are some things in life which are uncomplicated, my love for them and Nils Petersen being one of them.

Petersen Strikes Again

Had it not been for Nils Petersen scoring that goal this post probably would have gone a very different way. It most likely would have ended up being some kind of rant about other people and eye contact and just what the big deal is with all that. But I’m not ranting today, not about this and not about any of the other things which have made me angry lately. Because I’m not allowing them to get to me, I don’t want to ruin the good mood I’m currently in and so I’m not. I can’t remember where I read it or who they were quoting but there was something I read online the other day which fits perfectly. From what I can remember it was about if the recipient of a gift doesn’t want it then who does it belong to. And if someone else is angry then their anger is an unwanted gift. You don’t have to accept it. So I’m not. There’s plenty reason to be angry, encountering such ignorance about autism and disability in general is infuriating, all the more so when it comes from professionals. But as infuriating as such ignorance is it’s not surprising which is a depressing thought in itself, that it’s like you don’t expect anything better from such people.

When I get upset or angry about something I’m generally not very good at letting go, at setting it aside and getting on with the rest of the day. I have however managed to do that not just today but for the past several days. I haven’t miraculously gotten better at it. I’m not sure what the reason is just yet. There’s two possible contenders, both of them are connected but somehow the opposite of each other. The first possible reason is what I’ve termed my “Anger book.” It’s something new I’m trying out. I read about it a while ago in a book about autism. The point is that if something’s bothering you then you write it down and then it’s done, it’s finished. So you get to rant but you’re not allowed to obsess over it. The other reason is at the beginning of the week there was no-one to rant to. I wonder if rather than getting it all out maybe ranting just gets me more worked up. Maybe writing it down is the better option, a calmer way of doing so.

I don’t know what the answer is and right now I’m not trying to work it out. Today’s prompt is a very timely one, not only will I be feasting my eyes upon the first round of the DFB Pokal this weekend but also the final at the Olympics between Germany and Brazil. The match that’s the re-match of the historic 7-1 semi-final two summers ago. I never thought I’d get to see Nils Petersen in a German shirt, that by itself was a gift. But getting to see him score the goal that confirmed Germany’s appearance in that final, well that’s something else all together. Knowing that he did so as a Freiburg player, that at the least he will be going back to Freiburg with an Olympic silver medal. Tonight’s events are Petersen themed too because Bayern are drawn with Carl Zeiss Jena, so two former teams of his going head to head. Freiburg on the other hand will be taking another trip to Berlin on Saturday, which I have to admit is extremely ironic in light of recent events. They play SV Babelsberg, interesting connection there and some random trivia. Babelsberg is of course home to the famous film studio and my favourite film of all time Inglorious Basterds was filmed there.

Life’s not perfect, far from it but there’s plenty of things to be happy about. And for once I don’t have to look too hard to see them. I can’t fix everything and I don’t have any of the answers I’m looking for right now. Just now that doesn’t matter, I’ve got matches to watch, stories to write, stickers to collect and books to read. The season’s close to starting again and all the pieces are falling back into place. And with additions like these to my collection I’ve got little to complain about:

Nils Petersen goal – Deutschland v Nigeria (Olympics 2016)

Nils Petersen - Deutschland v Nigeria (Olympics 2016) 1 Nils Petersen - Deutschland v Nigeria (Olympics 2016) 2 Nils Petersen - Deutschland v Nigeria (Olympics 2016) 3 Nils Petersen - Deutschland v Nigeria (Olympics 2016) 4 Nils Petersen - Deutschland v Nigeria (Olympics 2016) 5 Nils Petersen - Deutschland v Nigeria (Olympics 2016) 6 Nils Petersen - Deutschland v Nigeria (Olympics 2016) 7 Nils Petersen - Deutschland v Nigeria (Olympics 2016) 8 Nils Petersen - Deutschland v Nigeria (Olympics 2016) 9SC Freiburg club profile (Joachim Löw)

Joachim Löw – SC Freiburg club profile 1 Joachim Löw – SC Freiburg club profile 2 Joachim Löw – SC Freiburg club profile 3 Joachim Löw – SC Freiburg club profile 4 Joachim Löw – SC Freiburg club profile 5 Joachim Löw – SC Freiburg club profile 6 Joachim Löw – SC Freiburg club profile 7

The All Important Sunday

I’ve put off writing this post or really any post, I figure I’m going to have to get over this at some point and today is a good day as any. I meant to write it yesterday on the first of the three important Sundays but that never going to happen. I was never going to watch four matches in one day and write something. I may be frustrated at myself for not doing so but at least the games were good,  the Super Cup in particular. Dortmund losing was disappointing but at least it was a real spectacle, it’s a sign of even better things to come. A sign that their encounters this season will be a real contest and nothing like their first game against Bayern last season.

It doesn’t really matter anyway, I was already annoyed at myself, it’s just one more reason in a long line of them. But enough of that now, the summer is almost over and I’m done hiding and avoiding everything. Which is pretty much all I’ve done the past few weeks. I’ve not really wanted to do anything. Yesterday’s word was complicated, that wouldn’t have really worked. There’s nothing complicated about this,  just my annual summer darkness. You think I’d be used to it by now, but it still took me by surprise. This summer it really shouldn’t have, realistically it’s all I had to look forward to.  At least I’m not confused by it anymore, I’m not wasting anytime obsessing over it and trying to work out why. The reasons why aren’t important, dealing with it is. And I’ve done that now, though not without having annoyed and hurt some people in the process. Though I think the latter was always going to happen. I’m not even sure it was something I did. I think it may have been a friendship coming to it’s natural end. I mean nothing lasts forever, does it?

What happened isn’t especially important, not since I’m sure it would have happened whatever I did. I think there was no right thing to do. What is important is the fact I’m not that bothered by it. Rather than being upset by the potential loss of a friend I’m relieved. It’s just one less person I have to talk to. I’m aware that’s not necessarily a good way to think, maybe I’m not quite done with getting out from under the darkness. Or maybe I’m just too tired to care. Either way I’m glad I’m not obligated to talk to anyone for the moment.

I thought that other people were part of the problem and in a sense they are. But as much as I hate to admit it they’re also part of the solution. Talking to people is what makes me anxious yet not talking to them makes for kind of a lonely experience. I can see that but I don’t know how to fix it. And to think I thought of getting rid of my characters. I thought about what would happen if I stopped writing. That was a stupid idea, all that would achieve is making me even lonelier and it wouldn’t solve anything. Plus then I’d have a lot of free time to fill. It’s probably the most constructive of my obsessions right now. It’s better than spending the day playing Dead Island anyway. Which is how I almost ended up spending the day. That however would have been a waste, I’ve got two whole days in which I have the house to myself. I’m not wasting them gaming. Instead I’ve been reading and enjoying the silence. It’s the first time for a while I’ve gotten close to getting through a book in a day. It’s nice to have peace and quiet and no other people around, it’s even nicer to  not have to stay up all night just to get that.

And now I’m rambling, though I’ve probably done that the whole post. I really am out of practice, I should never have let myself get out of the habit. But now everything is close to getting back to normal. The summer is coming to an end, the Super Cup has been played, this weekend is the first round of the DFB Pokal and then finally the most important Sunday of all. The day I’ve been waiting for since the very first day of summer, Sunday the 28th of August when Freiburg play Hertha Berlin, their first game back in the Bundesliga. It’s the first time all summer where I actually feel like I’m looking forward to it. I’ve been waiting for the day when everything would start feeling right again and now the pieces are starting to fall into place. How could things not feel that way when I got to see Nils Petersen in a German shirt and scoring not one goal but five. There’s been many disappointing things about this summer, Nils Petersen has not been one of them:

Nils Petersen - Deutschland v Fidschi (Olympics 2016) 3Nils Petersen - Deutschland v Fidschi (Olympics 2016) 7Nils Petersen - Deutschland v Fidschi (Olympics 2016) 20Nils Petersen - Deutschland v Fidschi (Olympics 2016) 22Nils Petersen - Deutschland v Fidschi (Olympics 2016) 27

Out of Practice

Ever since the last international break before the tournament started I haven’t written anything for the daily prompt, or really anything of significance online at all. I’ve written plenty offline which eases my guilt somewhat but it doesn’t help with how uneasy I feel at the prospect of getting back into the habit. I don’t like change and so long have I gone without writing something online that it almost feels new. I can’t lie, I haven’t given the daily prompt a second thought until a few days ago when I dreamt about it. In the dream I was writing about a dream I had in which Manuel Neuer appeared for a prompt. I never got to find out what the dream was about but it got me thinking.  Since the tournament started I haven’t been sleeping very well and I wonder if it’s related to not writing anything. I usually use the daily prompt to rant about random things and get anything that’s been bothering me off my mind. Add that to not having talked to anyone about something other than football the past month or so and I may have my answer.

I’m not even sure what I want to write about right now. I thought I might get some idea what I started, it happens that way sometimes. I don’t really have anything to rant about right now, well other than the fact that Freiburg will both start and end their season away from home this year. Even worse they’ll start their season in Berlin which is where they ended it, then they lost 2-1 to Union Berlin. This time they’ll be visiting Hertha BSC instead but still, I’d rather it be someone else.  Funnily enough they’re doubly unlucky on that count having been drawn with a team by the name of SV Babelsberg 03 in the first round of the DFB Pokal, a team who hail from Berlin of all places. But all of that is still a long way off, first the tournament has to end and more importantly Germany have to face Italy later tonight. Which is the reason I’m still awake right now. I can’t help but get ahead of myself and think of the next round which I really don’t want to do. Not because I don’t have faith in them, I just don’t want to curse them. Which is why I bet on Iceland instead.

I’ve never been a big fan of placing money on games but I felt like I had to, I accurately predicted Iceland would beat England but didn’t put any money on it. Seeing how much I could have made had I done so was very annoying indeed. Thus all I have from that game is the pleasure of having been right. That and getting to put some very arrogant England fans in their place. It annoyed me how they could just assume England could and would beat Iceland.  There’s nothing wrong with self-confidence but arrogance is not attractive at all. Even less so when you consider England’s tournament record. Their fans should really be a little more realistic, not to mention respectful of their opponents. I guess being a fan of a so-called small team makes me a little more sensitive to such things.

I have no idea what my point is, or what if anything is on my mind. I really am out of practice, I mean it’s taken until the third paragraph to even find where the word pleasure fits in to my post. I am in a very obsessive phase right now, if it’s not football related then I can’t think about it. Which is ironic because I wasn’t looking forward to this tournament at all. And I still can’t really say I’m enjoying it, a large part of my time is spent worrying something is going to go wrong, something worse than just losing a game. Which may also be related to why I completely put the daily prompt out of my mind. If I didn’t write anything which required any reflection then I wouldn’t have to confront what I’m worrying about.

Though I have to admit real life isn’t much better either. I know I’m using the tournament as an excuse not to deal with stuff that’s going on in real life. Wherever I am I’m running way from something in some way. Except in real life it’s worse because I’m hurting someone else’s feelings as well. I can’t just tell the truth because I’m not quite sure what the truth is.  I was told if I missed the person in question I would do something about it to fix all this. I’m not sure that I do miss them and even if I did it’s balanced out by the sheer relief I feel at knowing I don’t have to make the effort to talk to them or anyone else. Which is probably not a good enough reason for ignoring people or cutting someone out of your life.  Nor am I sure if that makes me a bad person or not, to feel relieved at knowing there won’t be any e-mails of that nature for me to deal with. Surely given that I’m actively avoiding seeing other people I have no right to complain if I felt lonely. Though I’m not sure I do. I’ve allowed the stories I’m working on to take over to such an extent that I spend more time thinking about them than I do any person in real life. As long as I’ve got a character to talk to or work out dialogue for I don’t think I do feel lonely. But even if I did it’s balanced out by the fact that they don’t make me feel anxious. They aren’t going to unnerve me by saying or doing something unexpected.

I feel like maybe I’m running from something bigger, that it’s about more than just being unable to deal with other people. Like maybe I’m running away from the fact I don’t actually want to do anything. In eight days the tournament will be over and with it will end my obsessive charting of the team throughout it. Meaning I’ll have to find some other way to spend my time, I won’t have such an all-consuming excuse not to deal with reality.  It’s strange I haven’t written anything recently, not least because a few weeks ago was the two-year anniversary of my blog. Two years are a long time, in particular it’s a long time for me to stick with something. And I don’t just mean the blog.

Since then I’ve had the same special interest and that is unusual. By rights I should have gotten bored by now and abandoned them for something or someone else. There’s been several points where it could have happened and it didn’t, and I can’t figure out why. After it’s clear an obsession is going to stick around for a while I start to wonder what the next one will be. They tend to be connected in some way or to at least lead into each other. But I can’t see what could come from this or where it could lead to. Is it possible I could make a clean break and have a completely new kind of obsession? Or maybe not have an obsession at all, though that would no doubt mean having some kind of life in the real world and I’m not sure I’m made for that. Which begs the question what am I made for? And brings up a very old question, whether or not obsessions truly bring me or any other autistic person pleasure or if they just entrap us. My feelings are so mixed up right now I’m not sure what’s fun anymore, everything feels like just another obligation. I’m doing things because I have no clue what else to do, rather than because it’s what I want to do.

I read an article the other day which consisted of several autistic people sharing their experiences and detailing how great it was to have autism and all the good things about it. One of them actually used the word awesome and said they felt sorry for NTs who couldn’t experience the world they do. Just why in the world would you feel sorry for them? For their ability to start a conversation without worrying if they’re going to get the words out in the right order, or even be able to speak at all? Or to step outside their own house without needing military like planning and a schedule which covers every possible eventuality, though even that isn’t enough. It still doesn’t stop you from feeling anxious until you get back inside again. Making your peace with being autistic and realising you have to accept it is one thing, but being happy about it, being proud, that’s just messed up.

And then you read stuff from parents about how rich their child’s inner world must be and if only they could share it with them. But they can’t can they, because they have autism. And if they didn’t they probably wouldn’t need such a rich inner world to escape to in the first place. It’s kind of ironic you have to admit, that they talk about how rich an autistic person’s inner world must be when all I can think is how do you be part of this one. I don’t want to need to have such an inner world to start with. If I didn’t find the real world so threatening I wouldn’t need another world to escape to. I know the world inside my head very well, I spend almost all of my time there. Because no-one judges me there, I don’t have to worry about making mistakes or being too strange. I’m never made to feel unwelcome just for the crime of being myself.  And now I actually am ranting, it seems I found something to rant about after all. It’s probably a good place to end this post, I don’t see myself getting to a point anytime soon.