It’s not a problem if you don’t look up

I know the title may be a little unwieldy but it’s the only one I liked,  it’s not the only one I could come up with but the others didn’t seem to fit right now. Writing this post (or anything else for that matter) is difficult enough without obsessing over titles, so I didn’t spend a lot of time on it. The line in question comes from the latest Star Wars film and is Jyn’s response when she’s asked if seeing the Imperial flag flying above makes her sad. I also went with it because it’s a fair reflection of how I feel at the moment. Which is why I’ve been avoiding writing anything, doing so requires a certain amount of self-reflection and these past few days the last thing I’ve wanted to do is contemplating my own existence in any way. Actually I’m no more keen to do that now but I did promise the psychiatrist I would at least try to write something. I find his insistence on that front a little odd when I think about it. Not least because they spent the majority of the appointment telling me that being normal wasn’t something to aim for, that there’s no such thing as normal anyway and I should just do what makes me happy and forget about everything else. Well thinking about my existence in any way certainly doesn’t make me happy. In fact right now it’s one of the things which is making me unhappy and resulted in the visit to them in the first place.

A week later I can’t make any more sense of it, I am however despite feeling like some of their advice was conflicting – sure it was the right thing to do. For one thing without it I wouldn’t have gotten my sleeping pattern back in order. All those months of trying to fix it by myself and it was for nothing, the problem was solved by the prescription of sleeping tablets. I’m feeling no more optimistic about anything else but I am at least grateful for finally having gotten a uninterrupted night of sleep. And they did help in the way he promised, he said if I got some proper sleep then my thoughts of death would not be so troublesome. They are still there but they are no longer quite so loud. I suppose right now it’s the best I can hope for. Though I’m not sure I want them to disppear completely. In a strange sort of way I think I find them comforting, I mean knowing that there is an out if I want it and can find the courage.

As far as everything else goes I have no idea, it all seems so overwhelming at the moment. I’m not so naive to think that I can once again start over with a clean slate either. I’ve said that so many times before and it never works out. There is no fresh start to make, just the same chaos I always find myself wandering through. I have no big plans or really any kind of plans at all, I’m not really capable of forming anything like a plan either. Despite having gotten a decent amount of sleep over the course of the past few days I’m too tired to contemplate anything other than what I’m doing right now. Even thinking a day ahead is too much. Lack of sleep is clearly not my only problem, now that’s been solved the other issues are brought to the fore – not least my lack of motivation to do just about anything. It would be so much easier to run away from it all, which brings me back to Rogue One.  It’s not so much pretending the imperial forces don’t exist and aren’t doing bad things, you just don’t acknowledge it. Of course that all depends on not paying attention, on stopping yourself from looking up. And in this case it’s not easy to do that. I can’t realistically avoid the outside world and all that makes me unhappy forever. At some point I’m going to have to learn to take care of myself and how to exist in the real world. There’s not always going to another person there who is able and willing to act as interlocutor of sorts between me and the outside world.

I suppose in a way it’s easy for them to sit there and tell me to just do what makes me happy and don’t worry about comparing myself to my peers and my lack of independent living skills in comparison to them. For the simple reason they don’t have to deal with all this, they won’t have to deal with the fallout if something goes majorly wrong. No-one is responsible in that sense because I don’t fall into any of the neatly drawn categories. Not disabled enough to qualify for any government provided services in that regard but too disabled not to need any help like that. All the relevant professionals agree it’s not right and unfair, but none of them care to do anything about it. No-one cares enough to actually speak up about it. Why would they, after all it’s not their problem. I’m not really sure what my point is, I’m just frustrated with it all. And very tempted to just give up, to let them get away with it. The only thing stopping me is the fact I know it’s not right and I can’t let them get away with it.

Retreating back into my own little world and completely giving up would in the short term be better for me, but it’s not the right thing to do. Both for myself in the long term and morally speaking. What else would I let them get away with if I give up on this? Where does it end? I can at least fght back in some way and for that reason alone I should do this. I may not be able to do much but there may be someone else they screw over who can’t fight back at all. Sometimes you have to think of other people too. I am too tired and beaten down to do anything else but this I won’t give up on. Whatever happens afterwards I’m not letting this go.

One response to “It’s not a problem if you don’t look up

  1. Thank you for this. I find myself struggling with many of the same issues – depression, lack of a plan or the ability to make one, hopelessness, exhaustion, feeling like I need to aim for “normal” when I never will be normal, not by a long shot. Please don’t ever give in to the suicidal thoughts; fight the good fight and keep writing, keep believing. Pray even when it’s hard. I wish you the best.

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