Artificial

I’ve written so little lately that it took me forever to figure out how to get started, and in all honesty I didn’t figure it out. I just figured that I probably didn’t know how to get started before and that the more time I spend putting it off the worse it’ll get. Besides I think a coherent post would be most unlike me, I’d be pretending to be something I’m not. I’m more than familiar with the concept of doing so, usually pretending to be fine when I’m far from it. Not that I’ve been doing a lot of that lately. There’s been no need to. With the way I’ve stepped back from the real world and the people in it there’s no longer many people I need to lie to. It wasn’t something I planned or meant to happen,  it just worked out that way. I’m not even sure how or why it happened. But somehow I found myself withdrawing from reality even more than usual, eventually ending up in the situation I find myself in now.

Left to my own devices I’ve become the obsessive, routine driven and ritualistic creature of habit I really am. Without anyone around to put on a show for I’ve stopped doing that completely, I’ve stopped making any effort at anything. Which makes me ask the question is this really what I am? If I have to make myself go out and be around other people is there really any point in it? Having spent so much time alone these past few weeks everything has taken on a rather strange feeling, one I can’t quite explain. Whatever you call it it’s left me wondering what’s real and what isn’t. It’s the reason I’m writing something for this prompt after having ignored it for several weeks. Artificial is most likely the word I was looking for, or something close to it anyway. Everything has had a sort of unreal feel to it. Which I suppose isn’t surprising when one considers I’ve had little contact with the outside world and that most of my interaction with it and other people has been screen based. It makes me wonder at times like now if I stayed inside long enough could I forget the outside world exists? Because I don’t think about it that much. And I can get everything I need without ever stepping foot outside. But do I want that? Is that a life worth living? Because most other people don’t seem to think so. But then most of them probably don’t think my life has any value anyway.

It’s confusing, people say you need to go out and have a life, you need to be part of the world. Yet at the same time people say do what makes you happy, do what’s best for you. How can I do that when they conflict with each other? I’m unhappy being in the real world and around other people and aren’t any happier when I’m alone, but at least I’m less stressed out that way. It must sound like I’m feeling rather sorry for myself right now but that’s the thing, I’m not. Despite everything feeling rather strange I don’t feel particularly unhappy, not that I know of anyway. At least I wasn’t until I got the letter I’ve spent the last several months obsessing over and dreading the arrival of. The letter which begins the process that means I once again have to show what a pathetic excuse of a human being I am. Because destroying what little self esteem I have by making me pick over every last little thing I can’t do or need help with just wasn’t enough the first time. They feel the need to check again, just in case I’ve somehow found  a way to cure autism and haven’t let them know about it.

I will honestly admit that letter has got me feeling a little sorry foy myself, the forms which accompanied it even more so. And the things I’ve read online haven’t helped. All I wanted was some advice about how to understand the forms, in my quest for that I did find some helpful stuff and along with it comments which make me feel like I don’t even have the right to exist. Because what people mean when they say “why are there so many disabled people today anyway” is really “why do we still let people like you be born.” And I know not everyone thinks like that, most people are tolerant and don’t hold such prejudices. But you know what I don’t believe that anymore. I think a lot more people think that way, they just know not to say it out loud. Also I’m bothered by the notion that people need to be tolerant. As if that’s all disabled people are, something to be tolerated. Well one thing is for sure people aren’t as tolerant as they claim to be, their actions don’t match up with their words. They’re tolerant until it affects them or their kids in some way. As I’ve recently found out there are people who have no qualms at all in admitting they don’t want their kids sitting next to in their words “a special needs one” and that they’d rather them not be in the class at all. People are happy to admit they don’t want to live near disabled people, and now it seems to be acceptable to question our right to exist at all.

I question if my existence has any value all the time, in fact I spend far too much time thinking about such things and death. But having someone else do it is something else. Knowing other people think I’m of no value to anyone hurts in a way my own thoughts don’t.

I wish I could have written about something else, I had other ideas for this post but in truth they are only a little less depressing than what I actually wrote. And I really did need to write this. I can’t tell anyone in real life how I feel, I just can’t put it into words, let alone actually getting the words out. Though I guess I’ve written about part of it anyway, just without the android part. That’s what my first thought was, android caregivers. Now it’s a dream but one day it’ll hopefully be a reality. I could do with an android right now. They would just help and not look at you at you accusingly, asking do you really need help with this. No judgement, no making you feel pathetic, just the help you need. I’m not being difficult and they wouldn’t even ask if I was. They wouldn’t question why I need someone to make the phone call for me, or ask why it is that I can write what I need to say but not actually say it out loud myself. I already feel small enough, I don’t need someone to make that worse. Sometimes people think they’re helping when they push you to try something, but they’re not, they’re just setting you up to fail.

And none of that was my point at all, which is predictable, tangent central. My point was about androids and the fact I’d really like one right now. It’s absurd really, I’ve spent the past month or so isolating myself and now I’m complaining of feeling lonely. Which is my own fault, sort of. But not really. Because it’s not that simple, I didn’t step away because I don’t want to be around anyone else. It’s that I don’t feel like I can. Normally stories help but right now all they do is make me feel even more lonely. Writing about someone else being happy and in love is not helping. Which may have something to do with the fact I wrote an alternate universe in which Jogi and Hansi sort of break up, to  be more precise Jogi walks out on him.  I don’t know where the idea came from exactly. It was just one of those late night thoughts I couldn’t let go, and I couldn’t sleep either so I just went with it.

The end result was upsetting the one person in real life who I let read most of what I write. They’re devastated by the thought of no more Jogi and Hansi, I think maybe they’re a little over invested but they tend to get that way with romantic type stories. Evidently they don’t understand the concept of an alternate universe. It was just an experiement, nothing more. Maybe it was a way of testing how it would feel when this obsession comes to and end. Though I hope that doesn’t happen any time soon, not the football part of it anyway. It’s just about the only thing which makes me feel happy at the moment. And just so this doesn’t end on a negative note yesterday’s game certainly gave me something to be happy about. A 2-1 win over Augsburg, a goal each for Maximilian Philipp and Nils Petersen. It means Freiburg are sitting in eigth place in the table, four wins and four losses, and still undefeated at home – Fortress Freiburg. It’s a signifcant improvement on their form in their last season in the Bundesliga, in 2014 at this stage they had drawn five and lost three. They were in 17th place with five points and without a win until they beat Köln on MD10, which funnily enough came off the back of a 2-0 defeat to Augsburg. Obviously it’s far too early to be talking about staying up but it’s looking good, that much I can allow myself to think.

Thinking about the win yesterday also makes me realise something else, no matter how terrible real life is and how strange or unreal it feels this always feels right. I may not be feeling connected to other people or reality in general, I may not even know how I really feel in fact. But this makes sense, this I can be happy about with no strings attached. It’s the one place I don’t feel helpless or pathetic. None of that matters when it comes to Freiburg. Watching them I’m just another fan very happy with the three points and at being back in the Bundesliga. Thankfully there are some things in life which are uncomplicated, my love for them and Nils Petersen being one of them.

2 responses to “Artificial

  1. it’s good to see you back. you give me valuable insight into what my son is going through, and i really appreciate that!

    • Thanks for taking the time to comment, and I’m glad (that’s not really the right word but I couldn’t find another) that my words and rants are useful in some way to somebody.

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