Abandoned

I would say common sense is the latest thing to have abandoned me but that wouldn’t be strictly true because I’m not sure I had any to begin with. Worst thing of all is I have no-one to blame but myself. I can’t blame the excitement of Freiburg winning promotion or the excitement of seeing Civil War at midnight. Neither can I blame being tired from that midnight screening and not getting much sleep that night because my first bid was placed before all of that happened. Which means I have only my own stupidity to blame. I can’t answer the valid questions posed to me by my mother after winning the auction and I certainly can’t now. I don’t know why I need a 2-meter advertising board with Jogi Löw on, nor do I know where I’m going to put it. I figured I would do what I did with the Django banner, I’ll figure it out when it gets here. It’s probably not the best way to approach decision making but in my defence I’m not nearly as reckless the rest of the time. It’s only when it comes to special interests do I give up any pretence of sanity. But then given how much they dominate everything that’s not really saying much.

Common sense is not the only thing to desert me lately, as expected I’m paying the price for having seen five films in the space of two days. I guess it’s a good thing I spent what’s left of my available cash on that advertising board because I can’t go anywhere anyway. It’s annoying being so tired but there is an upside, I don’t have to find an excuse not to write any e-mails. I know I’m not being a good friend or even a good person but I’m too tired to care. And I don’t mean just now. Normally I’d be the one who’s complaining and feeling a little abandoned. It’s strange for it to be the other way around. I’m not doing it as some kind of revenge, I really have no clue what to say. You can’t write someone that, can you? You can’t just say bluntly “I’ve run out of words right now.” Yet it’s the only thing I can say, so I’m saying nothing instead. I’ve been waiting for it to make sense and it hasn’t happened so I’m just doing nothing instead. I have words for stories but not for other people.

I haven’t talked to anyone about this or sought any advice, I think I know what they’d say. They’d tell me to get out more, to stop spending so much time by myself and to make myself do this stuff if I have to. But I have no interest in putting on a show for other people right now. It’s the one advantage to not spending time with other people, you don’t have to pretend you’re fine when you’re not. Maybe sometimes getting out is good for you but sometimes I wonder if what people really mean with that advice is stop acting this way because you’re making other people feel uncomfortable. None of this makes a lot of sense but then it doesn’t have to, I’m just happy to catch up on some sleep. I’m not wasting any energy on doing what other people think I should be doing. If that makes it seem like I’m abandoning any pretence of sanity or normality then it’s ok with me. I’m confused but not particularly worried about all this, I’ve been here before and no doubt will be again in the future. It’s not the best way for things to be but it is what it is. I know allowing one special interest to run rampant is not the best idea but I’m too tired to argue with it right now.

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