Mask

It’s kind of a relief to read other people’s posts, to see that I’m not alone in feeling the need to wear a mask of some kind. At the same time it makes me kind of sad, the idea that so many people feel the need to hide who they really are. And it makes me wonder what the point is, is it the case that everyone is pretending to be something and someone they’re not? If so then how does anyone ever form a connection with another person? How do you know that something is real? I’m only a few sentences in but I get the feeling I’m rambling already. Or maybe it’s just because I’m so tired that it feels that way. This prompt got me thinking about all kinds of things I’d rather not think about. Not least the e-mail I finally got around to sending. Before writing it I was obsessing over the fact I hadn’t done so and now I’m obsessing over the fact I have.

I did get my answer though, I don’t miss the person in question. I just like the idea of having that kind of relationship but it won’t work in reality. Not as long as I can’t stop pretending not to be me around other people. I keep telling myself that when I find the right person I’ll trust them enough to be able to do that. But it isn’t true, it’s just another lie I tell myself so I can keep going. Truth is it’s not just about finding the right person, the problem is with me. I’ve spent my entire life being told I needed to act differently, that if I worked harder to fit in more then I wouldn’t get picked on. I know all of those things were wrong to tell me, that the people who said them aren’t right. And that if I ever had kids I would never let someone talk to them that way or tell them such rubbish. But their words sunk in, a little too well maybe. Now I really am rambling. In fact all of this is making me very uncomfortable, talking about feelings usually does. That alone is the reason why I should write this and not delete it as I want to. Because writing this is the only way I can talk about it, I can’t do that in real life.

I have no idea what my point is or if there even is one. This isn’t how I envisioned it turning out, I had it all laid out in my head and this isn’t how I expected it to go. I can’t even remember what I originally planned, I wasn’t quick enough in writing it down.  There is however a downside to how tired and forgetful I am at the moment. It means I’m too tired to rant about the last episode of The A Word which aired last night. I know I’m angry about it, I ranted about it at length last night. But I can’t remember any of it, other than how angry it made me. So that’s a good thing.

As I’m writing this I’m half-watching yet another re-run of CSI, I say half-watching because I don’t need to (nor can I) pay full attention to it. It’s an episode I’ve seen many times and is in fact a favourite of mine, an episode titled “Who Shot Sherlock?” I don’t think I need to explain why it’s my favourite, the title says it all. The reason I’m mentioning it is because I find it amusing that it’s one of today’s episodes. The main case is about a group of Sherlock re-enactors, they get together and pretend to be Sherlock and the accompanying characters. All of them are normal grown-ups who have lives and jobs, for some of them the society was a bit of fun but for others it was preferred to their real life. More than just an escape from the tedium of daily life, they depended on it. Ironic seeing as how Sherlock is a drug addict. Even more ironic because it was the group member who played Sherlock that put an end to it. What tickled me the most is one of the group members is English, Captain Brass tells him to “drop the accent” and he replies “I can’t, I’m English.” I don’t know why I found that so amusing, just that I did.

Writing about that reminded me of my first though in relation to this prompt, Batman. Not the films or the comics, but Abed and Sheldon. Both of them do Batman impressions of a sort but it’s Abed who does the best one. One of my favourite ever scenes is when him and Troy are both talking in Batman voices. The voices are awesome, the topic of conversation even more so but what’s the best is at the end when Troy says “It’s cool to know other people think about this stuff too.”

I wish I had a friend like Troy. Him and Abed are just the best. There’s nothing that can beat “Troy and Abed in the morning.” I can’t stop singing that, it’s just unbeatable. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have a friend who was every bit as strange as you are. To have that license to be completely weird with someone else. But then even Troy and Abed came to an end. Nothing lasts forever. Including how sorry I was feeling for myself when I started writing this post. I think watching Abed helped. He’s connected to the other reason I should be happy right now, the Russo connection. Tomorrow is the big night, the midnight release of Captain America: Civil War. Everything is in order, I’ve got the tickets, the money, all I need to do now is pack. This is either going to be the best thing I ever do or one of the worst. I’m not worried about the film being disappointing, though I still hate the fact Iron Man is in it. I’m just very aware of how big a challenge this is, spending a night away from home. I have to get some sleep at least. The plans for Friday depend on it. I’m making the most of where I am and going to see Civil War again in the morning before going home. And then the most important part of the day, Freiburg’s game against Paderborn, potentially the deciding game for both of them. Best thing about it all is Leipzig play on Friday too, which means no waiting for the other results. They play Schwolow’s team from last season, Arminia Bielefeld. With their 2.Bundesliga status secured I hope they’ll give it their best shot against Leipzig.

One response to “Mask

  1. Pingback: NaPoWriMo – Day 27 – “Gifts Of Eternal Light” by David Ellis | toofulltowrite (I've started so I'll finish)

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