Verbotene Liebe – the aftermath – Part 2

They’d not come to any agreement on the matter nor had they really discussed it. Like so many other topics they’d not needed to talk much about it to know what the other is thinking. Hansi is sure he doesn’t need to waste any time asking Jogi again what he’d prefer. So when they’re done with lunch he simply announces “We can leave whenever you’re ready.”
Hansi is correct in his assumption but he’d overlooked the fact that nothing can ever be so simple when it comes to Jogi. Having settled the main issue Jogi has no trouble in finding another matter to obsess over.
“Who’s going to drive? Whose car should we take?”
“You’re the boss, you tell me.”
Taking a step closer to Hansi and placing a hand on him Jogi replies “I’m not the boss when it comes to you, I don’t want to be the boss.”
In an equally suggestive tone Hansi answers “You want me to be the boss?”
Absent-mindedly fiddling with the buttons on Hansi’s shirt Jogi says “Yes, I want Hansi to be the boss.”
“Ok, we’ll take your car and you can drive.”
“Why me?”
“I thought I was the boss, why are you questioning me?”
“I’m not and you are the boss of me, you’ve always been the boss of me. Master elf lord Hansi, I’m not questioning your authority.”
Struggling to contain his laughter Hansi asks “Elf lord? How am I an elf lord?”
Because of how cute you are and your ears” replies Jogi, moving his hand up to Hansi’s face so he can stroke behind his ear.
Still laughing a little Hansi “You like my ears?”
“Hansi, I love everything about you.”

Smiling to himself both at Jogi’s words and his fingers which are still softly stroking his ear Hansi thinks how he’d like to put that theory to the test, how he’d like to find out just how much Jogi loves about him. For now however he has more practical concerns to think about. Like however he’s meant to keep his hands off Jogi to let him drive them anywhere. Getting outside just convincing himself to let go of Jogi’s hand to get in the car is difficult enough. Hansi eventually manages to peel his fingers from Jogi’s hand, reminding himself that it won’t be long before he gets to put them back there. It’s all he thinks about as on the drive over to Jogi’s place. Watching Jogi drive Hansi soon finds his thoughts wandering to all sorts of places he most definitely should not let them wander to. Stopping such thoughts however is a different matter. It’s like trying to stop Manuel Neuer from wandering, same as him they go where they want to go and they heed no warnings. Trying to convince Neuer to stay in his box would be impossible. As impossible as it might be it would certainly be an easier task than stopping Hansi’s thoughts right now.

The next time they stop at traffic lights Hansi finds himself acting on said thoughts. Without even thinking what he’s doing he reaches out and lets his hand come to rest on Jogi’s leg, not moving it anywhere. Just letting it come to rest there and enjoying leaving it there even when the light turns green and they’re moving again. Sounding curious Jogi enquires “What are you thinking?”
“All sorts of things.”
Jogi chooses not to find out just what Hansi means, his tone making perfectly clear his none too innocent musings. Though as Hansi finds out he has his own reasons as well. So distracted is Hansi he doesn’t notice at first when Jogi speaks, asking “What did you mean “with us?”
“What?”
“When I asked what’s next, you said “with us.” What did that mean?”
“I’m not really sure; I don’t know what to say.”
“What does come next with us?”
“I don’t really know.”
“We don’t just have to wing it, do we? We’re going to have a plan, right?”
“Do we need one?”
“Of course we do.”
“Well, I guess dating would be next.”
“Do we have to?”
“I don’t know, it’s not like there’s rules for this. I was going to suggest we go out for lunch today before thinking better of it.”
“What do you mean?”
“I thought you wouldn’t want another surprise and I had my own reasons to.”
“Like what?”
“Like wanting you all to myself.”
“That’s a good reason.”
“I’m glad you think so.”

The conversation comes to an end there, neither of them knowing what else to say. Hansi’s relived Jogi doesn’t insist on continuing the discussion because truth is he has no idea what he’s doing, let alone be able to help Jogi formulate a plan of some sort. Simple truth is Hansi has no plan beyond never letting Jogi go ever again. This is the only thought on his mind for the remainder of the journey. Jogi’s not really thinking anything thus his eventual question is as much of a surprise to himself as it is to Hansi. Pulling up onto the drive he neither moves nor speaks at first. Then out of nowhere he asks “Why would we date?”
“What?”
“Did you not understand the question?”
“It’s… it’s kind of a strange question.”
“What’s strange about it?”
“I can’t explain, do you not get why people date?”
“Of course I do, to get to know one another, to see if you’re compatible. We already know all of that. I already know I love you, surely dating is just a formality.”

Just when he’d been getting his head round the strangeness of Jogi’s previous comments Hansi finds himself attempting to understand this, not so much what Jogi’s saying but how he phrases himself. It would be odd were it not for the fact the whole situation is itself still a little odd. Not knowing what else to say Hansi replies “I guess you’re right about that, it’s not like I could get to know you even more than I already do.”
Before Jogi gets a chance to speak Hansi corrects himself, adding in a most mischievous tone “There’s only really one way in which I could get to know you even better.”
“See, so we don’t need to date then.”
“I guess not.”

If Hansi thinks Jogi’s done with surprising him he’s very wrong. As it turns out Jogi has another surprise for him upon getting into the house and it’s one he never would have seen coming. Having been so comfortable earlier Jogi is back to being a little nervous again, no doubt worried because he has no plan. Hansi’s prepared for him acting a little more strange than normal but what actually happens is more of a surprise than he ever could have imagined. Jogi’s thinking in being here at his place was that he would be a little more at ease. So far all it’s done is make him worry all the more. Standing there awkwardly in the living room still holding onto Hansi’s hand he can’t work out what to do. Remembering what Jogi said about wanting him to be the boss Hansi decides upon helping him out a little.

“Jogi, do you need a little help?”
“I don’t know what to do.”
“Do what you would normally do.”
“Well there’s one thing I don’t have to do.”
“What’s that?”
“Dream about you being here.”
“You never have to dream about that ever again. Apart from that, what would you do?”
Without answering Jogi begins to unbutton his shirt. Surprised not just by what Jogi does but by his own reaction Hansi takes hold of his hand, stopping him from proceeding and asking “What are you doing?”
“What you told me to.”
A little unsure of himself Hansi quips “I thought you didn’t want to get up to anything like that.”
“I don’t, not now.”
“Then why are you about to get undressed?”
“You told me to do whatever I wanted, whatever I would normally do, so I did.”
“And getting undressed is what you’d normally do?”
“Yes, when I feel like this it’s what I need to do.”
“Feel like what?”
“Worried.”
“Me being here is making you worry?”
“Yes, I don’t want to get anything wrong.”
“There’s nothing to get wrong. All you need to do is be you. Can I ask you a question?”
“You can.”
“You like to get undressed when you’re worried, so when you’re stressed out then. All those times at work I’ve watched you move around, the way you can’t keep still, are you thinking about how much you’d like to get undressed then?”
“Sometimes.”
“So during meetings you’re thinking about getting undressed?”
“Sometimes. Why are you asking this?”
“Because we were thinking the same thing without knowing it.”
“We were?”
“Yes, we were both thinking about undressing you.”
“You think about that?”
“Yes.”
“I’m glad you never told me that before.”
“Why’s that?”
“It’s hard enough to focus as it is when you’re in the room, if I’d known that it would have been impossible.”
Thinking of how focused Jogi is, of the fact that he can get so lost in his own thoughts he can tune out the stands full of 50,000 people around him Hansi can’t keep the smile of his face. There’s nothing he can do to hide how much this amuses him and his smile does not go unnoticed by Jogi.
“What makes you smile like that?”
“Just the thought of me being that distracting.”
“You’re very distracting Hansi.”

Giving the matter some thought Hansi thinks of those times he’s seen Jogi standing there lost in thought, he’d always wondered what Jogi could be thinking about, what it was which could consume him so. He’d tried to ask him once and failed to get a response of any kind, Jogi just looked at him like as if he hadn’t even heard him. So blank was the expression on his face it looked as if Hansi had spoken to him in Russian. In a bid to get Jogi’s attention he did what always worked, placing a hand on his forearm. At the time Hansi thought he’d made a mistake, feeling the way Jogi reacted to his touch he thought he’d startled him. Now Hansi has a very different interpretation of events, that it wasn’t because Jogi was startled he’d reacted that way. Or to be more precise he was but not in a bad way. It’s unlikely Jogi will remember but Hansi has to ask.

“Jogi, can I ask you a question?”
“Yes” replies an obviously worried Jogi.
Placing a hand on his forearm Hansi reassures him “There’s no reason to worry, it’s a perfectly innocent question.” Correcting himself Hansi continues “Well sort of innocent anyway.”
“Hansi, ask your question already.”
“Ok, here goes. Sometimes during matches you off wandering by yourself, you’re standing there so lost in thought that you forget what’s going on around you. At least it looks that way. One time I asked you what you were thinking about and you looked at me like you hadn’t even heard me. So I put a hand on your arm and you jumped, I thought it was because I’d startled you. Now I’m thinking there was another reason.”

Jogi stays quiet so long Hansi starts to think he shouldn’t have asked. The look on Jogi’s face is no help, as he so often is he’s completely unreadable. On the one hand this is a good thing; it should mean he’s not anxious at least. That’s one thing Hansi can be certain about but he doesn’t know whether Jogi’s angry or not. There’s no reason why he should be but that doesn’t stop Hansi from worrying about he might be. He knows from experience that Jogi can be furious and not look it at all. That a blank look can and often is more dangerous than an obviously angry one. Unsure of what to do he asks “Jogi, are you ok?”
“I’m ok, it’s just that’s a lot of words.”
“I didn’t mean to say so much.”
“It’s ok; just give me a minute to think.”
Hansi waits none too patiently as Jogi thinks over his answer though he tries his best to let none of his impatience show. If it does Jogi either doesn’t notice or chooses not to say anything.
“What is it you want to know Hansi?”
“I want to know what you were thinking that time when I put my hand on your arm, if I startled you or not. Why it is you reacted that way.”
“It was nice, feeling your hand resting on my arm, a little too nice. I was worried you would see how much I liked it. I didn’t want to let you do that because I knew I couldn’t ever ask you to do it again.”

Hansi takes such a deep breath of relief that not even Jogi can fail to notice it. He has few words left and even less ability to actually get them out but there is one thing he can do. Something he’s dreamt so long about doing. Nervous but determined Jogi reaches out and places his hand on Hansi’s chest, dead centre where he’s always wanted to put it. So many times has he dreamt about doing this to feel Hansi breathe, so many times during games when Hansi has been so angry that everyone around him can feel exactly how angry he is and not even Jogi can fail to pick up on it. He’d badly wanted to place a hand on Hansi and tell him to take it easy. Feeling where his hand his Hansi puts his hand on top of Jogi’s and to signal his approval he firmly squeezes Jogi’s hand. Finding all the words he can muster Jogi asks “Did I do the right thing?”
Smiling back at him Hansi replies “You did the very best thing, Jogi.”
“I did the right thing” says Jogi quietly, so much so Hansi’s sure he’s not speaking to him at all.

He may be talking to himself but the trace of pride in his voice is unmistakable. It makes Hansi feel unbelievably happy to hear the quiet little way Jogi is taking pride in his correct move. This Hansi can’t hide his reaction to and he makes no effort to try, allowing himself to laugh. Seeing the way Hansi’s eyes light up as he laughs makes Jogi feel equally as happy.
“What’s so funny Hansi?”
“You, you’re so sweet. It’s just funny to think of you at work and then to think of all this.”
“I don’t know what to think, is what you’re saying a good or a bad thing?”
“It’s neither, it just is.”
“What do we do now?”
“Whatever you want, it’s your house and you’re the boss.”
“I’m not the boss when it comes to you, Hansi. When it comes to this, I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“Most people don’t know at times like this, that’s sort of the fun of it.”
“That doesn’t sound like fun, I have to know what I’m doing and what’s going to happen next. I don’t like the sound of this.”
“Jogi, take it easy. If you let me I’ll show you how the unexpected can be a good thing.”
“You can?”
“I can. Answer me one question, do you trust me?”
“More than anyone else in the world.”
“Ok, then do as I say and close your eyes.”

To Hansi’s surprise Jogi makes no argument and he closes his eyes. But Hansi can see he’s anxious. More to the point he can hear Jogi whispering to himself under his breath, repeating over and over again like a mantra “I can trust Hansi, you can always trust Hansi.” Knowing how scared Jogi must be makes Hansi appreciate all the more what Jogi’s doing for him right now. Following his plan Hansi takes hold of Jogi’s hand and still holding it removes it from his chest, using his other hand he unbuttons the next two buttons of his shirt and places Jogi’s hand back where it was. Feeling the soft sensation of Hansi’s skin Jogi takes a sharp, deep breath and his eyes open immediately. Straight away he meets Hansi’s gaze and so intently is he looking at Hansi it almost hurts. But Hansi doesn’t look away, doing everything he can to hold Jogi’s gaze. From the look in his eyes and on his face Hansi is sure Jogi can’t say a word. So Hansi speaks for him saying “You can trust me, you can always trust Hansi.”
“You can always trust Hansi” repeats Jogi, unable to come up with any words of his own but wanting to say something in reply.

“See, surprises can be a good thing.”
For a moment Jogi says nothing but Hansi doesn’t rush him, he’s content to just enjoy the moment. His patience is rewarded when Jogi begins to speak, asking “Hansi, how do you do that?”
“Do what?”
“Make me feel that way.”
“How do you feel?”
“Like I’ve won the World Cup” replies a somewhat breathless Jogi. He pauses then continues “No, that’s not it. It’s better than that. Like I’ve scored the winning goal and you made the pass. Like you’re celebrating with me.”

“Jogi, that’s so, so….” Hansi tails off, unable to finish his sentence or in fact to find any words at all. Just this moment he’s the one who’s breathless. He can’t believe that Jogi’s said all that. Not that he thinks Jogi doesn’t have such feelings or he doesn’t love him that much. More that he’s surprised Jogi could put it into words, Mr expressive he’s not. Well not with words anyway. On the matter of words Hansi still can’t find any. Realising he still can’t find the ability to speak Hansi thinks about putting his mouth to a very different use. As much as he wants to he’s hesitant to actually do so. He’s not at all sure how Jogi would react were he to kiss him. He’s not sure if Jogi’s ready for such things. Cautiously Hansi moves his free hand up to Jogi’s face and gently strokes his cheek. When Jogi makes no protest Hansi moves his hand over to Jogi’s ear and begins to run his fingers over the hair which grows down over it. Looking into Jogi’s eyes the whole time Hansi has no clue if Jogi’s picked up on his intentions or not, if he knows what he’s trying to ask him. But Jogi doesn’t look scared or worried either and Hansi’s sure he would know if he did. Not seeing any such look in his eyes Hansi allows his hand to make the final move, to slip his hand down onto the back of Jogi’s neck and slowly moves it upwards towards his hair.

After a few seconds he plucks up the courage and moves in to do what he’s being meaning to do ever since he greeted Jogi at the door a few hours ago. Hansi knows what he’s about to do but it doesn’t help make it any less scary. Nevertheless he realises he needs to be the one to do this. Jogi would most likely never be able to make such a move, to take the initiative and overcome his terror of not knowing what he’s doing. Taking one final deep breath Hansi still holding on to Jogi’s other hand leans into him and softly but firmly places his lips on his. It’s just a few seconds but it feels so much longer. Contained in those few seconds are all those moments he and Jogi shared, all those looks Hansi thought he’d imagined, all the times he’d put his hand on Jogi’s bare arm. All those times he wanted to never let go. Pulling back he looks into Jogi’s eyes to see a look not unlike one he’d seen during so many of those moments he was sure he’d imagined. This look right here however is most definitely not a product of his imagination, there is no doubt this is real. Though somehow it feels all too perfect for it to be real, as if something this good and wonderful simply could not truly be real. Almost as if Jogi himself is too perfect to exist, let along belong to him.

Seeing the look in his eyes Hansi knows he’s done the right thing and he recognises the look in Jogi’s eyes. He’s seen a similar look before but it hadn’t been directed at a person then. The one-time Hansi had seen such a look on Jogi’s face it was at a museum and he’d been gazing at the European Championship trophy. The one they don’t have in their collection. Only then Hansi could remember seeing such a look of reverence in Jogi’s eyes, until now that is. As breathless as he was before making his move Hansi can’t say a word to Jogi. They stand there for a few minutes just looking into each other’s eyes. Hansi is still holding Jogi’s hand in place on his chest and his other hand is still on the back of Jogi’s neck, gently playing with his hair. Jogi for his part places his hand on the back of Hansi’s neck and begins to do the same thing. Eventually he sums up the courage to speak and slowly he tells Hansi “I guess that’s the other trophy then.”
Confused a little Hansi asks “What do you mean?”
“If being touched by your hand feels like winning the World Cup then being kissed by you feels like winning the European Championship. Though as much as I want that trophy, I don’t think it could feel as good as this.”
“Jogi, where are you finding all these words?”
“I don’t really know, I think you helped me find them. Like you always do, Hansi always helps” replies a shyly smiling Jogi.
“My sweet little Jogi, I never thought you’d be such a wordsmith.”
“I’m not, you make me good at this.”

So distracted had Jogi been by the conversation he’d forgotten all about getting undressed, until Hansi reminded him of it. His hand on the back of Jogi’s neck he allows the tips of his fingers to slip inside the collar of his shirt. It’s only when he’s done so does he remember he shouldn’t be able to do this. Taking Jogi’s words about being the boss to heart Hansi without saying a word begins to unbutton Jogi’s shirt. So fast does he move he’s halfway down before Jogi even knows what’s going on. When he is aware of what Hansi’s doing he makes no move to stop him, trusting him to keep to his word. He remains equally silent when Hansi helps him out his shirt and when he undoes his belt. He makes no objection because he has none. For the longest time he’s dreamed about being undressed by Hansi and now his dream is coming true. Hansi takes as much time as he possibly can completing the task and looks almost disappointed when he’s done. He won’t feel that way for long for what comes next is even better. Sitting on the sofa he allows Jogi to snuggle up next to him and when Jogi takes hold of his arm and drapes it over his bare chest he’s as happy as can be. Even more so when Jogi takes hold of his hand again. They lie there like this in a most comfortable silence for a little while, Hansi enjoying having his hand so close to Jogi’s unbearably soft skin. Some things really are as wonderful as you imagined them to be and this is most definitely one of them. After some more time has passed Jogi quietly asks “What do you want do to now Hansi?”
In an equally contented voice Hansi answers “Nothing, I’m happy right here. This is all I ever wanted.”
“Me too, Hansi, me too.”
Thinking over how content he is Hansi decides actually there is something he’d like to do. Taking advantage of how distracted Jogi is Hansi removes his hand from his chest before he even knows it’s gone. He then does what he feels so compelled to do, reaching up to Jogi’s hair he slightly moves back his fringe in the same way he’d done so earlier. For his part Jogi responds exactly the same way too, though he’s not really complaining when he says “You didn’t need to do that.”
Instead of replying with words Hansi does what he’d wanted to do then but hadn’t yet summoned up the courage to do. This time no build-up play is required, Hansi doesn’t feel the need to prepare Jogi for what he’s about to do. Instead he gets right to the point and kisses him in the same gentle manner as a few moments ago. Lying back down next to Jogi and returning his hand to his chest Hansi whispers “Now that I did need to do.”

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