Summer Darkness

I really wanted to avoid a repeat of this, I was hoping this was the year the pattern would be broken. It seems that was wishful thinking. I was determined it wouldn’t happen. I had plenty of ideas about how to keep busy, how to make it so that  I wouldn’t have any free time to get stuck focusing on negative thoughts and they somehow make their way in anyway. I tried to keep everything straight in regards to a good sleeping pattern, that didn’t turn out so well either. It’s the same old pattern, too little sleep and then too much. After a few nights of not enough sleep and then one day spent entirely in bed, not surprisingly I feel terrible.

A fact which is made worse by the difficulty I’m having right now in finding something I can eat. I’m sure my head would hurt less if I weren’t so hungry. No matter what gets made for lunch or dinner I can’t eat it and if I make myself do so I feel just as bad as if I’ve eaten nothing. Bread-sticks and peanut butter spread is the only thing I have any enthusiasm for at the moment. I think I may give in and order some pizza online,  meatballs and double cheese is the only thing that sounds good to me right now. I figure it’s worth a shot at least. I know it’s not at all healthy, but surely it beats being hungry.

I’m starting to wonder what it is about summer that causes this to happen. Is there something about this time of year that sets this off or is it a red herring? I wonder if it’s because summer is associated in my mind with the start of the school year and upheaval and the general terror that comes with all that. I like winter best, some people find winter depressing, I don’t not, not at all. What I hate about summer is how light it is, even late at night, that really drives me nuts. I wonder if when summer comes I should automatically revert to my vampire schedule and just avoid the day completely. That’s logical but not really an option, not if I want to watch football live. And such a thing would be impossible next summer with the European Championship.

There were warning signs, I either chose to ignore them or more likely didn’t notice them or what they meant. Ignoring people, generally being distracted, not showing much interest in anything beside my special interest, and starting to question the point of everything including said special interest.

When it did finally catch up with me, it had all the subtlety of a freight train which is pretty much how my feelings always are. It’s normal for me not to notice them until they get to that point. I only have the vaguest recollection of the moment it happened. I’d just finished recording the repeat of Arminia Bielfeld’s DFB Pokal match and was getting ready to edit it for it to be uploaded. Out of nowhere I suddenly felt miserable and started thinking that this was all pointless. That the match was pointless, watching it, recording it, everything related to the whole thing. Everything was pointless. From there I started thinking about Freiburg, about tickets, about how I’ll never have any tickets of my own. Thoughts like this very easily get out of control as they did here. From there this thought appeared: “you’re not going anywhere fast, nothing is going to happen, now you can see what everyone else sees.”

The final thought was the worst of them all, that of Robert Enke and his death back in 2009. Whenever I get to thinking about him in situations like this, then I know trouble is not far off. As soon as I started thinking about him the idea in my head was that what he did is not a bad idea at all and is actually a logical solution to all of this. Not only did I think it’s a logical choice but I felt like it was something I should do. It felt like there was no other option. I don’t feel like that right now, but I still can’t stop thinking about it. It’s scary how quickly such thoughts take root and how convincing and overwhelming such feelings can be.

That day I was meant to be getting an early night, in line with my plans to bring some semblance of order back to my routine before the season starts on Friday. That didn’t happen, instead I got a night of disrupted sleep full of very strange dreams. It was that which led to spending the whole of yesterday in bed. And now everything is all messed up again, and I have no idea how to fix it. So I’m not going to even try. I’m going to let this one go, I don’t need one more thing to punish myself about right now. To hell with what anyone else thinks. I’m just going to sleep when I can, prioritize being awake for certain matches and anything more than that will just have to be put aside for the moment.

Whilst I’m not going to punish myself in that regard, I don’t know what the best thing to do about everything else. Whether or not I should just accept that it’s not a good idea to be around other people right now, to not force myself to do so. Same for going out anywhere. Should I just let it take it’s course and wait it out or should I make myself go out somewhere, spend some time with someone?

Best I can hope for is that I get all wrapped up in the excitement and hype of all the action taking place this weekend. I know I’ll regret it and will pay dearly for it in the week after, but right now whatever gets me through the weekend sounds good to me. I don’t want anything to interrupt my plans. I’ll just hate myself all the more if I let that happen, if I missed any matches. Two weeks ago I missed Sandhausen’s match because I didn’t get up in time and missed out on a great match because of it. That time I was lucky to get to a second chance at seeing it, that won’t always be the case. I can’t always take that chance.

There is at least one thing I don’t have to make my mind up about, or worry about at all. And that is the issue of there being any change in regards to my special interests. No such thing has taken place, at least not in a major way. The only thing resembling a change has been the removal of Roman Weidenfeller from my wall to make change for the league table tracker that I got free with the special issue of kicker and the replacement of Bürki with Schwolow. Other than that it’s pretty much business as usual. Jogi and Hansi are still king. Though I suppose that is something of a change too, because last summer it was just Jogi who I would say was king, but now Hansi is too. That is unusual, me having two favourite people but it would be impossible to pick between the two of them.

In April when writing about similar such things I wrote that I didn’t want a complete retreat to take place. That I didn’t want to shut myself off from the outside world. It wasn’t what I wanted but it’s what happened, and it did so without me even realising. You skip one evening at the cinema, one becomes two in a row and then it just becomes normal,  staying inside and avoiding everyone becomes the normal order of affairs. And once you realise, it’s too late because it’s been six weeks and you can’t even convince yourself to take a single step outside. Not to play football, not to go to the cinema, not even to buy stickers.

I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, at least this time around I do remember some of the summer. Though that’s thanks to my various lists and the Löw adventures rather than any kind of effort on my part but it’s still a good thing. It’s also a good thing that I have actually done something this summer, done plenty in fact. I’ve written a lot, not always about what I wanted but at least it’s something down on paper, made and uploaded quite a few videos and gotten some great things for my collection. No doubt I spent a little too much money, but when don’t I do that. It’s also good that after successfully completing my aim of posting every day of the Rückrunde I kept it up, and have so far posted every day of this year.

“I know that logic plays no part in this and yet every time I still go looking for a reason, for something that sparked the beginning of the downfall. This time as with so many others there is no discernible reason. Just last weekend I was so very happy and now I can’t even remember that. Not just last week, but earlier this week I was happy.”

I wrote the above back in February, I could easily write the exact same words right now. There is no reason for it. I should be happy right now, very happy in fact. Freiburg’s campaign has gotten off to a great start, they’re top of the league with two wins in their first two games. The Bundesliga resumes tomorrow and a whole host of great matches are lined up on the first weekend. Plus there’s a few great match-ups in the 2. Bundesliga too. A little over a month from now Germany will be back in action with their qualifying match against Poland. I’ve got lots of projects to work on, plenty of books to read and lots of videos to make.

I am excited for the league to resume, for there to be football on every weekend again. I’m also looking forward to the arrival of my new Freiburg shirt. Yet lurking at the back of mind is the thought of how pointless everything is, that this collection is just as meaningless as the last. But despite thinking it’s meaningless I wouldn’t want to be without it, to give it up or any of them in fact. The only thing worse than having an obsession is not having one. Having one means you have something to center everything around. Though I can’t escape the feeling that it’s not real, that how happy it makes me isn’t real. That nothing is real really. I don’t know where those kinds of thoughts come from or what any of it means.

Knowing that there are so many reasons to be happy right now just makes it worse. Everything should be great, it’s not and I don’t understand why. My ever logical mind wants and needs a reason. Something doesn’t make sense to me unless there’s a specific reason for it, unless it can be picked apart, unless I can see all the pieces that make it what it is. It’s difficult to accept that there isn’t a reason to be found, that this is something logical thinking won’t help with.

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